So I spent 19 of the last 36 hours in meetings of one kind or another. It feels like every last ounce of glory and strength has been drained out of my body. Amanda and Brenda are no better off. Brenda was out even longer than I was by about 6 hours.
When people used to ask me what I did I used to tell them I was a “professional meetinger”. That period of my life was annotated by a long series of meeting minutes and action items I had to get done in order to build the Kingdom of God.
The last 36 hours has made me realize that I am not a “professional meetinger” anymore. I still have a deep passion for the Kingdom of God but I realize my job is not to “meeting” the Kingdom into existence any more (if it ever was). I am going to try really hard not to meeting myself into a stupor ever again.
Today when people ask me what I do for work. I am not exactly sure what my answer will be…artist, prophet, pastor, caregiver? What I do know is that I will never again tell people I am a “professional meetinger”. That is a part of my past. It doesn’t fit me anymore.
What do you do when life shifts from march time to a waltz? What do you do when the rest of the world is still marching and you’re waltzing? What do you do when the rest of the world starts noticing that you aren’t marching to their rhythm anymore?
Since returning from The Philippines, my life rhythm has changed radically. There are days when the world still pulls at me and I am tempted to march again. But, most days I am pretty much settled into the slower waltz rhythm that was put on me by God at the end of 2019.
The rhythm is pretty repetitive: My morning’s go one way. My afternoons go another and my nights…well they are still a work in progress but even they have done some major shifting. The framework around all of it seems to be breakfast, lunch and supper.
I am not good at the waltz rhythm yet. I haven’t got all the nuance down, but clunky as I might look, I have changed pace. What I know is that I will not be going back to marching for a while.
People are starting to notice that I am not on the same foot as them anymore. I am OK with that. Everyone else may need to march. I need to dance in order to accomplish what God needs me to do at Cornerstone.
I was praying about it this morning and I felt impressed by the Lord that much of what I am waltzing through is preparation and discovery for the next phase of ministry.
No I am not leaving Cornerstone, people, so don’t worry. God has made it clear that I have work to do in this city still.
But God is changing the nature of the ministry I do. I have known that for a while and have been very open with the whole church about this. He started changing me three years ago and He isn’t finished yet. The change is going at His pace. As with everything else at the church, God has it firmly in hand and He is in charge of the results.
So…What do you do when life shifts from march time to a waltz? What do you do when the rest of the world is still marching and you’re waltzing? What do you do when the rest of the world starts noticing that you aren’t marching to their rhythm anymore?
You figure out how to be the best dancer you can be …and brother you dance!
In this season of intensive prayer leading up to and including Lent, I have journaled many personal revelations/ realizations about my life which I think may mean something to the larger body of Christ.
Here is one thought which came to me on January 31 regarding the idea of “CONTROL”:
It is time for me to learn I do not control God. It is time for me to start allowing God to control the outcomes of my life. So many times, my service to God, my prayer to God, my devotional life before God is about me trying to control the outcomes of my life. My religion, my relationship to God is too often about me achieving some personal goal rather than me totally surrendering to God no matter what the outcome of that surrender is. This insistence on control is a very great sin.
It is time to embark upon the great and terrible and mysterious adventure with God. It is time to resign myself to the current of God’s river and to allow it to carry me away where it will.
Do you ever feel like you are trying to control God?
During this corporate season of prayer I have filled my journal with hundreds of entries from my personal prayer times. Here is one of the thoughts I have been contemplating since Jan. 26.
“We are only empty vessels. The sooner we recognize that, the sooner we can stop trying to accomplish things in our own power and we can allow God to fill us and flow through us with His power. In His power we can accomplish eternal things if impossible magnitude.”
I am aware that God is bringing me into a place where I recognize my powerlessness. This sense of my own fragility is the key to operating in the supernatural power of the Living God.
Are you becoming aware that you are not equal to the task in front of you? What is your answer to it?
Morning came early today. By 6:30 I had showered, walked and fed the dogs, had breakfast, done laundry, got the bills ready for mailing and loaded the car for the dump run. By 7 I was at prayer in the church and by 8 I was loading the car with my travel piano in preparation for the funeral I am performing this afternoon. By 9 I was peeling potatoes for the potato salad I am taking to the funeral. Then, I headed off to the bank to make a deposit and to withdraw money for mom’s daily needs for the next few weeks.
Brenda had a great night in Southington CT. Two more people gave their hearts to Jesus last night and she got to pray with a man who has had five strokes and lost his voice.
That is the power of story. That is the power of art launched into conversation.
I think it is for this reason I have felt over the last several months that I need to spend more time in two things: Prayer and creation of art.
Sometimes I just practice my hand at simple things I think I will have to draw a lot
This image I actually saw in a vision I had before one of our recent board meetings.
I am learning God has skills He would make available to us if we would both seek Him and practice. These skills remain latent in us until we need them and choose them for the purposes of His kingdom! Who knows but maybe this is one of the reasons for the shifts going on in my life right now. I am being called out of certain things in order to help my mother. That said perhaps I am also being called into other things by the shifting which will make me of greater use for God’s kingdom.
Cornerstone Church has been in a season of 24/7 prayer since mid January. I have been so blessed to be able to spend between 2 and 5 hours of prayer everyday during this season. I think this needs to become a new normal for me. God has said many things to me during this time. Here is one of those things that came to me in a prayer time on January 22.
HOPE is the understanding and believing of God’s future plan in specificity for an individual as well as in the grand scheme. Faith is the chutzpah which acts on that understanding. Faith cannot operate properly without first having a true hope. Many people struggle with faith because they try to operate in faith without any understanding of God’s specific plan for the suture of their situation (they have no hope).
Dear Evan Hansen is one of my favorite musicals. It’s a modern day commentary on: family, peer pressure, truth telling, rejection, fatherlessness, and well so many other things.
A few days ago I was working on the church’s prophecy board (more on that another time) when I just felt I had to listen to the music from the musical again. I knew as I did, it was God telling me He was going to reveal emotions I was not being honest about.
So many of the songs resonate with me even as a pastor/prophet. This time, though, the songs that hit me hard were “So Big So Small” and “Does Anybody Have a Map”, which are the mother’s songs from the musical.
In the middle of both songs I began to cry. SUPER UNEXPECTED! I actually closed up shop and went home because I couldn’t take it anymore and I couldn’t figure out why. The next day I told Amanda about it and then I played the songs again for her and… Yep!…. You guessed it. I started crying again. I realized I had work to do.
I have spent many hours in prayer over this and I think I have a bit of revelation. I am relating with this lady…not because my son is in trouble but because Brenda, Amanda and I are becoming parents by increments to my mom.
It has hit me that Brenda will soon be heading back to her mission, I think I am afraid of this. When Brenda goes back to The Netherlands I will be a “single parent” : I will make the meals. I will pay the bills. I will make sure Mom takes her showers. I will do the doctors and the dentist appointments. I will do the laundry and…. and….and….and … this house seems so big and I feel so small.
These thoughts came during my time of prayer and meditation in the Philippines. I thought I would share them with you as a way to help you understand a bit more about what God is working in me as my life goes enters into this new phase of life. During this season I feel like God would have me reorient my life towards recognizing the beauty in the world.
Beauty is one of the distilled essences of love. Where love abounds the aroma of beauty is present. Where love is confronted by hatred beauty is suppressed, but because love can never be eradicated, beauty will always be sensed, even if only in the smallest way.
In the end, judgment is God’s radical work to restore beauty when all other methods fail. JE LILLIE
It’s been a busy week! Brenda booked three more shows fo “My Hiding Place”. This means she will be here in The U.Ss. through the beginning of July at least.
Reviews have been so exciting and have affirmed that God is really anointing this project.
Here are some things people are saying;
“I WAS SHOCKED TODAY…stunned…wowed! I cried…I almost sobbed! I had Missionary Brenda J. Lillie in today for our Sunday morning service to do her dramatic performance of “My Hiding Place: Recollections from Corrie Ten Boom”. It was AMAZING.”- Pastor Dan Peloquin
“You nailed it! An amazing story told by an amazing storyteller!” – Wendy Brouliette
“Such a wonderful roller coaster of emotion; delivered by a truly talented woman. Bravo!”- Michael Murphy
“Beautiful ministry performance of The Hiding Place by Brenda J. Lillie. This power packed rendition of the story of Corrie Ten Boom is wonderful for any size church due to the conscious, minimalistic approach to props and technology. We could have been her toughest critics being well acquainted with the Ten Boom story from my own missionary service in Holland and my wife being Dutch (and her grandmother knowing Corrie from Haarlem). However, my wife and I were greatly touched by the legacy of the Ten Boom Family accurately portrayed through this 2-part dramatization. Bravo!!!”- Pastor Eric Capelli
“My Hiding Place” is the compelling true story of Corrie ten Boom. Written, produced, designed, and portrayed by the talented Brenda J. Lillie, Missionary to the Netherlands. This powerful, passionate, and inspiring production is more than an outstanding play – it is an experience! It’s a story of love and forgiveness. God is truly present in this amazing performance! A must see! – Pastor Robin Di Prima Koroskenyi
If you would like to book her for a show she is opening tours.
While Brenda has been ministering in this show, Jesus has been rewriting my schedule. Ministry has become much about prayer and caregiving for me. I have been meeting with people all week, praying with people all week, meeting practical and emotional needs all week. In between have been great swaths of prayer lasting 2 hours or more at a whack. It has been amazing!
God has also been allowing me to figure in several hours of writing a day. While I miss the office and the constant contact with leadership I feel like these adjustments have opened up avenues of ministry I have not explored for years. It has been so good.
Two days before Brenda and I left for The Philippines, Cornerstone Church (the church where Amanda and I serve) began 21 days of 24/7 prayer. While I could not be with the congregation during much of this season of prayer, I did spend a good deal of time in the presence of the Lord. I sat for many hours WONDERING about the new direction my life is taking and the new direction the church is taking. Here are some of the things which came to mind in my WONDERING:
“In order for me to discover the things which are going to be really important to me on this new path, I must reduce my life in its complexity. I must embrace the things which are truly important to my nature and do those things. Further I must begin to encourage others to learn what is important to their natures and do those things. ” Pondered 1-20-20
As I think about this I realize it flows out of something I have discovered about myself. I entered the ministry out of a great desire to connect with God and to help others do the same. I am now and have always been a contemplative. Prayer, worship, meditation and study are sort of my jam. I also realize the place of contemplation is where my greatest power resides to make a change in the world.
This season is a gift from God allowing these strengths of mine to have more room to grow. This season is also balancing/ limiting the activities which distract me from the contemplation which is mine by nature.
Finally as I embrace my thing it gets me out of the way so other people can do their thing. Then if they will simplify their lives they will be able to embrace whatever their jam is like I am now embracing mine!
Notes From the Vicarage 