THE TRANSITION WITH GRIEF TO THE NEXT IDENTITY

May 10, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / Leave a comment

I started this blog yesterday. It was originally called “So Here It Is Thursday…”. I began by talking about how I felt so ashamed for not reaching my goal of writing on “Notes From the Vicarage” daily since my mother’s passing. I listed my excuses and then laid out four steps I was going to take to correct the issue I have been having with writing.

It was a pretty good blog about how to prioritize writing….or really anything important.

I didn’t get to post that blog because I had a coaching session with my life coach that began just before I could hit publish. Now having had the night to sit and think on it I am glad I didn’t publish it.

I do believe there are habits I need to develop and tweak to become more effective, for sure, but I realized as I was thinking about my writing problem that this is more than a habits issue. It’s a grief issue and an issue of transition.

Life has changed for me in a big way, and I am not intentionally clocking that most days. I was Mom’s primary caregiver for the last decade of her life. Her needs factored into everything I did, including ministering and writing.I didn’t choose it. Caregiving became part of how I identified myself as a human being. It became a part of my fingerprint.

…and now I realize I need to give myself a hot minute to figure out how everything in life works without Mom to consider. Before I didn’t write daily because I was busy helping Mom and ministering. Time was not on my side. Now, as I approach the computer I wonder “What do I have to write about?”

I know it is not true, but it feels like the interesting parts of my life are over. That right there, is the power of sneaky grief. I have seen it in others and now here it is manifesting on the inside of me. It is strange. It doesn’t feel like sadness. It’s not anger. It’s not denial. It’s certainly not acceptance. It feels like….hesitancy. It’s like that moment when I was a little child meeting someone new, and all I could do was hide behind my mother’s skirt and suck my thumb. But this time the person I am meeting is…me!

STAYING HYDRATED

March 14, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / 4 Comments

One of the things I have not talked too much about this year…or ever really I guess… is my weight loss journey. I have been on it for over a year now; so far I am further away from my goal than when I began.

I chalk that up to my current stress situation… Strange sleeping hours and weird eating schedules coupled with not enough water and a lot of emotional eating as well as eating the easiest thing to grab (like McDonald’s or pizza from my fav local pizzeria).

I realize life could stay like this for a while. I am now at the point where my belt doesn’t even fit comfortably.

I bought some suspenders the other day to get me through this TEMPORARY season of life.

I know I have to make some decisions that will get me going in the right decision, even if they are really small ones. in fact from my recent studies, I know the small maintainable decisions are the most helpful types of decisions, when trying to make significant lifestyle changes.

The small change that I am making today is to hydrate everyday. Specifically I am going to drink eight 8 oz. glasses of water everyday.

In order to do this I am going to stack my new water drinking habit with my well established prayer habits. I pray eight times a day…so now I will just add a glass of water to each prayer time.

From previous experience, I know that even small changes take a little while to turn into consistent behaviors…so the journey begins!

HOW DO YOU MAKE LIFESTYLE CHANGES?

Clump

March 2, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / 3 Comments

This week I am participating in Linda’s STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS SATURDAY CHALLENGE.

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing (typos can be fixed), and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. I will post the prompt here on my blog every Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a particular subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” “Begin with the word ‘The,’” or will simply be a single word to get you started.

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours. Your link will show up in my comments for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top. NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, such as Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read all of them! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later or go to the previous week by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. As a suggestion, tag your post “SoCS” and/or “#SoCS” for more exposure and more views.

8. Have fun!

THE WRITING PROMPT FOR THIS WEEK IS THE WORD….CLUMP

Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

“CLUMP”. It is such an unattractive word. I am almost afraid to write about it for fear of what ugliness will come out. Mostly… I hate clumps. They are unattractive lumps of nothing usually having no purpose other than to be taken over by some outside force and having to be dealt with severely in order to restore…well…order.

Case in point my yard. It is full of clumpy things.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain beauty to my clumps, a certain wildness. The woods and the brush pile have attracted loads of song birds and the rock pile is home to a cute little family of chipmunks, but all the clumps make me feel a little out of control, if I am honest.

Here’s a confession, I am afraid of what I will lose if I get rid of my clumps. Wait! that sounds like hoarding talk! Am I hoarding my outdoor clumps? Maybe a little….Maybe it is something I have a mental block about, as bit of an avoidance disorder in the making. It does make me wonder why I keep from fixing the mess outdoors. I keep saying I have been busy, but I think it might be more than that. Maybe I stay busy so I don’t need to deal with the “clumps”…. is it for comfort?…is it for control? I am going to have to consider this.

DO YOU LIKE CLUMPS?

ADDING SOME LIGHT READING

February 3, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / 2 Comments

Back in the days of that other lifetime before being lead pastor I was posting up to four blogs a day, and I was reading a lot of blogs as part of my involvement in the blog community.

I really enjoyed it, but when I took on my current position, I went from four blogs a day to one blog a day done as a video devotional thought for my congregation. I also gave up almost all reading of anything other than essential business material. I missed the community, but couldn’t find the time.

This year though something has shifted…not so much in my schedule, but in my ability to organize myself. Maybe it’s just that I have finally hit my stride.

So as part of my New Year reevaluation and commitment renewal, I decided to try venturing forth into the blogosphere once again. I made a decision to start doing one NOTE FROM THE VICARAGE in addition to my daily devotional each day. It’s taken about a month but I am now blogging a NOTE everyday.

This week I am adding some light reading of blogs back in to my regimen.

Photo by Vincenzo Malagoli on Pexels.com

I have decided I will start by reading all the other blogs connected to my weekly community challenge on Saturdays.

IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF A BLOGGING COMMUNITY, HOW MANY BLOGS DO YOU READ EVERY WEEK AS PART OF YOUR COMMUNITY WORK?

GETTING ON THE GOD PAGE

January 28, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / Leave a comment

A few years ago I actually toyed with the idea of moving wholesale into professional writing. It didn’t turn out quite the way I thought it would. I ended up walking away from writing completely because of the demands of ministry.

I thought I probably would never write again. I actually tried to pick it up again several times.I just couldn’t make the writing commitment and keep up with the call of the church. I contented myself with writing a few family blogs every month or so, and the daily devotional video, but the life of stories became a thing of the past.

Lately, the desire for story has returned. I don’t really know where this will lead, but I am taking my word for the year, “PREPARE”, in hand.

During the 21 days of fasting and prayer I PREPARED a blogging plan for the next year along with the next year’s preaching schedule.

It is not God’s way to give us the destination before we start on the journey. He only ever gives us the first step with clarity the rest is just “looking through a glass darkly” to quote the apostle.

SO, as I come out of the 21 days of fasting and prayer, I am committing to get on the page God has given me. I am beginning with the blogging plan and let’s see what develops from there.

WHAT IS DEVELOPING IN YOUR LIFE AS YOU LAUNCH INTO THE NEW YEAR?

2024 Day 8… Keep Making Stories

January 8, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / Leave a comment

It is a universal truth that we humans come from stories and we are moving into story. All of our lives are made up of the mingling of many stories. We are books that tell of the intersection of lives and the conflicts and wonders those intersections create.

You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed. Psm. 139:16

I have noticed this common truth about the people I have worked among, that life flows from the stories we tell ourselves and each other. We live until we stop telling our stories. We grow until something comes along which causes us to stop making our stories before ourselves and others. As soon as we stop adding new chapters to the book of our lives we begin to die.

There are signs that we have stopped the authoring process. When we decide that the story is done, when we decide there is nothing more to add we stop trying to make more story and we just begin rereading the story that was. We begin to live in the past and only the past.

We can live a long time with just the past, but we can’t create new chapters from it. The future is not in the past and neither is life.

If we look back long enough even those stories we once knew so well, become lost to us and then only the stories other people tell us remain.

One of the great dangers of our society today is that so many people who should be making stories are just sitting and watching other people’s stories. It is one thing when a ninety year old stops telling their story. It is quite another when a twenty something gets so wrapped up with Facebook or Twitter or Instagram that they stop telling their own story.

I guess this post is an encouragement to people of any age. One of the great keys to life is to not let anything stop you from adding a new chapter to your story. Whatever is happening to you…around you don’t let the roadblocks stop you from adding something new to the book of your life. Keep making story. Keep living!

WHAT ARE THE ROADBLOCKS TO YOUR NEXT CHAPTER? HOW COULD YOU CHANGE THOSE ROADBLOCKS INTO THE NEXT DEVICE THAT PROPELS YOUR STORY FORWARD?

2024 Day 4…Missing Day 3

January 4, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / 2 Comments

Tuesday is the end of my week. Wednesday is my Sabbath. I am still trying to figure out what Sabbath should look like in my life. It is a day of rest, but more than that it is a day of a different rhythm. I am fighting with myself to figure out whether writing is part of that different rhythm. Is it work? Is it relaxation? Is it work that relaxes me?

Anyway, yesterday I tried the day without writing (although I still did my daily video for the other blog so I am not sure it was really a good test). I like writing. I missed it, but honestly, I was so tired I am not sure I had the brain space for it anyway. Even my prayer and Bible time were spent mostly in a staring stupor.

I was in the Book of Deuteronomy so I am not sure that helped either.

But the real weariness came from my “busy days of ministry ” Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.” Sunday is my preaching day. This week I preached us down a rabbit hole which is always more exhausting than sharing direct from the notes.

Then of course we had our NewYear’s Day celebration.

Monday I led an hour of worship at The Worship Room.

Tuesday was staff meeting and then Royal Rangers, boy’s ministry.

My end of week is filled with awesome ministry, but sometimes it does feel like this.

Yet another reason for me to lose some weight and get in shape!

WRITING IS HARD

November 11, 2023 / joseph elon lillie / 6 Comments

It’s 7:15 P.M. and I am just sitting down to write. Today was a day of working on all the projects. I finished emptying out my old room and moved the rest of what’s moving into my new room.

I figured it was a good time to go through all my clothes and reorganize my draws. It was a bigger job than I thought to would be, took me most of the afternoon, and I have more to do tomorrow.

Since we are down a Sunday morning worker, and since I have Carrie Hackett preaching this week, I am taking my turn to sit with Mom tomorrow morning. I will be watching the service from home with Mom, and of course folding clothes to go to the Salvation Army.

I am tired now. Mom is really anxious to have me sit and watch TV with her. My heart has been telling me I have to get back to writing, but it’s hard. I used to be so disciplined at posting everyday, at taking at least a few minutes to practice jotting down thoughts and spinning words. I used to be so diligent about reading and building community. But I have fallen away and coming back is not as easy as I hoped it would be.

Over the last several years I have tried several times to start back to daily writing. All my attempts have ended in failure. It’s time to try again. Maybe I will end in failure again. But I have to try. This meme popped out at me the other day.

It made me decide to try again. Writing is hard. Not writing is hard. I am choosing my hard.

Still Life Broken and Repaired

January 20, 2023January 20, 2023 / joseph elon lillie / 1 Comment

The season has changed again. We are right back to winter overnight. This is one of the warmest winters I remember. I have only worn a coat one or two days this year. Maybe it’s just my thick northern blood, but something is changing. All season we have been going back and forth between freeze and melt. Today the ground is covered with snow. Tomorrow we could be back to the mud. It’s a change.

I am currently taking part as a reader in a book launch for a friend. Poet and story teller Tracy Rittmueller has written a book of poetry entitled, Still Life, Broken and Repaired. The book is about life changes, especially those changes between life partners as aging happens. The effects of dementia on relationships is a key theme in her poetry. Right now this book is speaking to me about the plethora of changes I am walking through with my own Mom and with my life long friend Grace.

In her poem, “Healing Is a Never Ending Departure”, Tracy writes

“Life calls us
to our never ending story.
All is still well.
Take heart, dear heart.
Release, that you may heal.”

Excerpt From: Tracy Rittmueller. “Still Life, Broken and Repaired.” Apple Books.

Right now life is requiring a constant releasing. My mom’s life, Grace’s life are like this winter. Some days you get warm sunshine and all is well. Other days are filled with mud and confusion. And then there are the days where the cold chill of the future just sort of sweeps over you. Each day requires a releasing of what was and an acceptance of what is now. My world is busy and grand in its smallness. On that note I leave you with these thoughts from Tracy’s poem, “In A Cove In The Yorks, Maine, I Dare To Hope Again.”

“And so I sit here for hours intent to hear the healing
beginning of another pilgrimage, any conscious progress
to inspire our next, necessary transformation.”

Excerpt From: Tracy Rittmueller. “Still Life, Broken and Repaired final.” Apple Books.

I am embracing the change whatever it may be. I know God has us in the midst of it.

If you would like to read more of Tracy’s work you can find it at TracyRitmueller.com

This Day At the Vicarage 9-8-20

September 8, 2020September 8, 2020 / joseph elon lillie / 4 Comments

I often write with music playing softly in the background. Somehow the rhythm and the sound help me to focus on what it is I need to say. It is like the sound draws the words out of me.

Maybe that has something to do with my years as a worship pastor. I remember one of my mentors teaching me that in order to lead worship effectively, I needed to be able to move beyond the place where I played music into the place where the music played me.

Yesterday I wrote to an Epic Celtic Album on Youtube. Tonight I am playing the Easters. Somehow their music fills me with hope and just a touch of melancholy. Those things might not seem to go together. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they are polar opposites like the yellow and purple on a color wheel.

Maybe that tension is what I am looking for when I write or when I sing or when I do art. Maybe it is what I need. Maybe it is what is required for me to move into my muse. The muse would be God ,so I guess that makes sense. The tension….the inner conflict somehow drives me to seek the Lord and in that seeking I find my creative spark. And that creative spark is the pathway to the music playing me instead of me playing the music or in this case it is the pathway to the space where the Writer reveals to me my story rather than me striving to make it up.

There’s a whole book in there somewhere. The tension is rising within me and that means the story is about to arrive.

Now I am really looking forward to tomorrow dear friends.

Pastor J