Don’t get me wrong, destinations are great. Disney, Europe, Heaven….all destinations…all progressively awesome. But at some point I began to dwell more on the journey to the awesome destinations than on the destinations themselves.
Someday I will get to Heaven. I know it will be awesome, but the journey towards Heaven is pretty awesome too! In it I am learning so much, experiencing such incredible adventures and changing in some pretty amazing ways. I am learning that the kingdom of Heaven is not only out there somewhere, but within me.
Truly speaking, I am not so sure that once I reach Heaven my journeying will be done. I am not sure the discovering will be finished. I am not sure the desination is as destinationish as we think it is. What if Heaven is as CS Lewis says just an opportunity to “go further in and deeper back”. What if eternity is just a much longer more incredible journey?
A year ago I decided it was time to start going to the doctor for regular check ups. Prior to that decision it had been better than a decade since my last visit. My previous physician retired from practice and I never picked a new one.
I made excuses about why I was refusing to go: Too busy, Copay was ridiculous, Too much work to find a new physician, I’m basically healthy and don’t need to go, etc.
But finally I called, got a new physician and went for the physical.
The physical itself was fine, but the NP (nurse practitioner) who conducted the physical set me up for other tests. Among those tests was a colonoscopy.
I set up the colonoscopy twice and failed twice to go.
Today was my second yearly physical and wouldn’t you know my NP brought up my two “FIRST ATTEMPTS AT LEARNING.”
What I have learned from these two attempts is that I am afraid of colonoscopies. I do not know why, but I know I am afraid to the point where I cannot make myself go.
The NP was very kind about it and tried to assure me how simple the procedure is, but even as she was trying to convince me, I could feel my blood pressure rising and my hands getting jittery. She saw it too and so she found me a work around.
I have never experienced fear in this way before. It’s not a sudden shock. It’s not a dread. It really doesn’t even feel like an emotion. It feels like a decision a very firm decision that I never decided. It just exists within me. It’s like I made an unbreakable vow at some point to not have a colonoscopy and now everything in me is working to make sure that it never happens. Weird I know but there you have it.
Back in August I took the first sabbatical of my ministerial life. During that time I asked the congregation to pray and ask God to give us “words” that would direct our future as a congregation. One of the most common “words” the congregation shared from that time was “Prepare!” “Get Ready!”
We have known for the last couple of years that we were heading into something or some form of ministry we have never experienced before; So getting ready,… preparing just makes sense.
I feel like I am being challenged in this area of being prepared, being ready. In some ways I feel like the 21 days of fasting and prayer, we just went through, was the beginning of a new level of preparation…a level I feel like I have been failing to obtain since the fast ended.
From prayer time to meal planning I feel like I have a lot of ground to cover to be prepared for what is to come. There is a piece of me that does not want to embrace this next level of change. I find myself storm eating sweets I should be easing up on sugar and watching television when I should be praying. In the midst of the wasted time and return of water retention,I am trying to be gentle with myself and celebrate every small victory as I move forward…. Even though there have been failures this week, there have also been successes. Even small forward movement is forward movement.
Change will come. I need to realize and celebrate the changes I have already made and keep moving forward to the change that is yet to come. I do wish it was a faster process.
DO YOU EVER GET IMPATIENT WITH YOUR OWN SPEED OF CHANGE?
For the last year I have been dealing with a leg injury I got by getting up from my desk at the church. That may sound ridiculous, but I got up from my desk chair and turned too fast pulling my hip out of joint and straining the muscles and ligaments all the way down to my ankle.
Throughout the year I have gone between feeling pretty good and barely being able to walk. There have been many days where I have needed my cane to get around. Just before Thanksgiving I reinjured myself while walking down the stairs at The Vicarage. after Thanksgiving my knee swelled up and stayed swelled pretty much through the New Year.
I have known since the first injury that my ballooning weight is part of the problem. It just took me a year to really admit it consciously and to begin doing something about it.
The first step to addressing the problem was getting batteries for my scale. It may seem a silly thing to you, but by not buying batteries I was able to keep the weight issue from becoming real. As long as I didn’t see my weight in numbers it wasn’t a thing….you get the picture.
As my coach, Paul, says, “WHEN THE PAIN OF CHANGE IS LESS THAN THE PAIN OF STAYING THE SAME, YOU’LL CHANGE.”
The pain in my legs finally got to the point where I bought batteries for the scale.
I started trying to “diet” just after Thanksgiving. I lost and regained the same five pounds twice before Christmas and then decided to join NOOM. It’s an ap on my phone. It has: daily motivational reading, daily weight tracking, a step counter, and a place to log calories and water intake. It also has a coaching feature and on line accountability.
I have now lost my first twenty pounds.The swelling in my knee is almost gone and the joint pain has been almost non existent during the fast, even after I slipped on ice and repulled the muscles in my weak leg.
It has ups and downs, but I am learning to manage expectations of perfection. Somehow that expectation management is bringing me greater success than just expecting perfection from myself. Last night I ate a whole bag of gumdrops, but you know that’s Ok. I just got back on the oatmeal wagon this morning.
Last night was a tough night. The dogs did not sleep well at all. Mercedes the 13 year old has had a very sensitive stomach the last two nights. We were up at three A.M. and then again at four thirty A.M. I collapsed back into sleep and then ended up oversleeping.
I got up an hour before my phone appointment with the Department of Health and Human Services out of Concord NH. I have been gathering documents for Grace’s Medicaid application for the last several weeks. The meeting went pretty well. Most of the documents have been obtained.
One of the documents I have been having trouble with is Grace’s life insurance policy. I have a hard copy of the policy but what I really needed was something called a value letter. The problem is that the Insurance company had not approved my Guardianship papers, so no one at the company was allowed to talk to me.
In the two hour call I had with the life insurance company what I discovered is that Grace actually has two life insurance policies. I have only been paying for one. The other has been in a state of self payment since 2021. The company is using the cash value of the policy to pay off the recurring bills lowering the cash value a little every month.In order to begin paying on this bill again I have to get the policy reinstated. All that said, I got a lot done today. The value letters are on their way. New beneficiary forms are on their way, and the reinstatement form is on its way.
I still have other forms to fill out but the work for this day is done. The three hours I invested in paperwork today knocked me out of prayer for the morning. So tonight I went off to the prayer room for an hour of centering prayer before I have to lead our church prayer meeting at 7 tonight.
My calling (job) is an interesting combination of joys and sorrows.
The joy of: welcoming new born babes to the church in the arms of their mothers and fathers, baptizing new converts to the faith, welcoming those who have decided to join membership, celebrating the victory of healing with people who have overcome life challenging illness, the planning and execution of weekly celebration services, prayer services and small group Bible studies, mixes with the sorrow of walking with families struggling with domestic violence, or divorce, walking the long road to life’s end, comforting families of those who have passed on into eternity, and helping families struggle through the sorrow of wayward children.
The whole job is an honor and a challenge. The whole job requires the grace of God to manifest with each joy and each sorrow.
One of the joy/ sorrows I am walking through right now is with the oldest member of our congregation, Grace. Grace has been with us literally from the beginning of the church, from the very first service when there was no church building only a church living room. Grace is also a biblical widow. She has no family aside from an elderly sister living in assisted living over 12 hours away. Our church is her family.
Grace was also not prepared at all for end of life. So when she could no longer care for herself the state stepped in and placed her an hour and a half from us. I have now taken Grace on as my legal ward, but I have been unable to move her from the care center where she has been placed. At this point I am not sure I would want to put her through the trauma of moving again. So I call her several times a week. Yesterday I made the drive up to see her.
I start out on Rte. 12 from Winchendon MA up through Fitzwilliam, Troy and Keene NH. I pick up Rte 10 and follow the Ashuelot River through Gilsum and up into Marlowe. Driving past the Christmas Inn at Marlowe….
I travel by the wind mills in Lempster
I turn at the United Church across from the Lempster town library.
up into Unity,
until I see the skyline at Sullivan County Health Care. It’s a long way from my current home, but my family on both my mother and father’s side has been traipsing this same territory for more than two hundred years. Most of my original ancestors came through Newport NH on their journey from England. One of my relatives actually was born in Goshen only minutes from Lempster and preached in South Acworth only a few miles in the other direction from Lempster. Driving this road feels a little like walking through history to a deeper sense of home.
Since the last time I visited Grace she has had to move to a new unit within the care center so that she could receive the appropriate care for her weakening physical condition. The new unit, Stearns III, is a very beautiful ward with lots of plants and bright decorations. When I arrived Grace was just finishing up a music program and then an aid took us to the “Tower Room” where we could visit privately. Grace thought she had made this quilt. She went to some length to explain the neatness of the stitching and how it had been a group project. I didn’t let her think otherwise.
The view from the room was beautiful and cheery.
Grace is facing many challenges ahead with her health, but being able to walk this season with her as she prepares for her own journey into eternity is such a great privilege. I don’t know how much my visits are making a difference in Grace’s life. I truly hope they are a blessing to her. This one thing I know, they are deepening my faith and my own story greatly
HAVE YOU EVER WALKED WITH SOMEONE THROUGH GREAT DIFFICULTY? HOW DID IT CHANGE YOU?
Many of you know that my mother lives with me and my daughter, Amanda, at The Vicarage. We are her primary caregivers as she walks this phase of her life’s journey through dementia.
Mom often says to us, “Don’t get old. It ain’t for sissys.” That and “I should just be dead.”
Last week we thought we were entering a whole new phase. Mom was becoming increasingly hard to wake up and even harder to keep awake. She pretty much stopped eating and complained of just feeling like “crap”. She used stronger language, but you get the idea.
At first I thought it was residual effects from her bout with COVID.
The issue I had with that first thought is that Mom had no symptoms of COVID even though she tested positive. As I was praying for her one night I heard in my spirit, “Her medications.”
Just before mom got COVID, the doctor had doubled one of the meds she takes for dementia, in hopes that it would help a growing anxiety. It turns out the new dosage was too high and so we have weaned her back and Mom has woken up. Yesterday she was awake for most of the day and even ate two whole meals and a piece of another.
While I was in church yesterday I got a text from my cousin saying that my Aunt Gloria, my mother’s oldest sister, had passed away.
My mother is now the oldest surviving child. Just she and her sister Carol are left out of eight children.
One of the things I have learned about caregiving is that it is not a solo endeavor. It takes a village to do this. While Amanda and I carry the weight of the caregiving, our extended family all helps in different ways. My daughter Melanie comes to help us out when Amanda and I both have to be away for an extended time. We have also had volunteer help from the church come and sit with Mom during times of need. We have hired a longtime friend of the family to come and sit with Mom during church services. And my sister is Mom’s telephone buddy. Brenda calls Mom twice a week at least from The Netherlands and will talk for an hour or better each time.
Yesterday as I was considering whether or not to tell Mom about her sister I called Brenda to get her advice.
You may think there is only one right decision . Of course I should tell my mother her sister died. But that revelation could spark hours of cyclical dialogue spiraling down into an increasing depression. The struggle is real.
As I was talking with Brenda it was decided we should tell her, but first Brenda and she would have a conversation to try and center her a bit before I brought the hard news. She and Brenda bantered for about forty five minutes. It was nice to see mom awake enough to actually use her sharp wit. Then my phone gave the “Low Battery” signal. It often happens when they talk. They go on so long the computer or the phone just run out of juice. But Mom never remembers what the signal means and always comes out with some panicked question about what she did.
This time, though, Mom did not have her glasses on and exclaimed “Wait a minute, I am getting a message from Lake Pottery. I wonder what they want.”
We all got a good laugh out of that one. A few hours after the call I sat down with Mom and shared the news about her sister. She had a lot of questions. She was sad. But aside from some deep nostalgia about her family she doesn’t seem to be able to hold the information about Aunt Gloria, or maybe she just cannot express what is in her heart.
I GUES THE REAL POINT IS THAT THE DECISION AND EVEN THE PROCESS OF TELLING MY MOTHER BAD NEWS WAS NOT SOMETHING I DID ALONE. IT TOOK COOPERATION.
I think in this season of life I am slowly learning the importance of teamwork and interdependence. I have a feeling that I will need to understand this much better before this season of my life is done.
WHAT ISSUE IN YOUR LIFE HAS TAUGHT YOU THE VALUE OF TEAMWORK?
The power came back in at the church yesterday around 3 P.M. So today the staff was back in doing staff things. Carrie was meeting with a couple of her Doing Life Together Leaders, Pastor Amanda was preparing for Kids Church and youth group and then this afternoon she headed out for a meeting with another youth leader and one of the youth. Natalia was finishing up formatting the announcement slides and sermon slides, David was vacuuming the sanctuary and I…..well I was climbing the ladder putting back the international flag display.
Our missions secretary Wendy was in to help and then she was going to make contact with a new US missionary who works with the foster/adoption field. Our staff generally tries to have lunch with a missionary once a month. We haven’t had anyone in since October because of the holidays and…fasting.
After finishing with the flags I put up a few new pictures in my office and then went home to work on the paperwork for the Medicaid meeting I have next Wednesday for a lady from our church. I am a bit nervous about it because she has already been rejected once and the application is quite complicated. I parked on the street as I got home. I am trying to avoid my driveway as much as possible. The sidewalk plow and the lack of truly frozen ground has made it….well….craggy.
All the torn up tar is encased in blocks of ice in the bankings along the street; So I have been going around chopping up ice chunks and throwing the gravel bits in the center of them back into my driveway.
In the midst of battling with the mundane, the stressful and the aggravating, four of these little fellas showed up at my birdfeeder the other day. I’ve never had bluebirds at my feeder and it seems a bit early for them, but there they were. I have to say when I am feeling a little overwhelmed a bluebird or two is a great stress reliever.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE MUNDANE, THE STRESSFUL AND THE OVERWHELMING COMPOUND IN YOUR LIFE?
A heavy snow has fallen in Winchendon Massachusetts. We got about 8 more inches of heavy wet snow along with a mix of ice.
The snow has painted everything white and crystal. It is absolutely beautiful…. and dangerous.
The branches are weighted down with the heavy white stuff. Many areas of our community lost power for almost twenty four hours and some areas just to our north have been without power now for two days.
There is a word in Hebrew for glory, “chabod”. It means “the weightiness of God’s presence”….”the heaviness of God’s presence”.
As I am walking through this first season of fasting and prayer in 2023 one of the truths I have begun to see very clearly is that the work ahead of us is filled with “chabod”. It is heavy lifting. It is work that is beyond me or us. It is breakthrough in a region that currently walks with the burden of massive addiction, abuse and mental illness. I am feeling in my spirit that the time has come for the church to step up and out of its comfort zone into the place of joining with the rest of our community to address the deep needs of our region. We bring to the table the power of our God. If we do not step up or if we fail at this endeavor I sense that our community may well break, like so many of our grand trees, under the weight of these heavy burdens.
Everything in me cries for comfort from the weight of the work I see ahead and yet there is this space in my heart that is filled with an incredible sense of anticipation for the answers to so many of the prayers we have prayed over the years.
The season has changed again. We are right back to winter overnight. This is one of the warmest winters I remember. I have only worn a coat one or two days this year. Maybe it’s just my thick northern blood, but something is changing. All season we have been going back and forth between freeze and melt. Today the ground is covered with snow. Tomorrow we could be back to the mud. It’s a change.
I am currently taking part as a reader in a book launch for a friend. Poet and story teller Tracy Rittmueller has written a book of poetry entitled, Still Life, Broken and Repaired. The book is about life changes, especially those changes between life partners as aging happens. The effects of dementia on relationships is a key theme in her poetry. Right now this book is speaking to me about the plethora of changes I am walking through with my own Mom and with my life long friend Grace.
In her poem, “Healing Is a Never Ending Departure”, Tracy writes
“Life calls us to our never ending story. All is still well. Take heart, dear heart. Release, that you may heal.”
Excerpt From: Tracy Rittmueller. “Still Life, Broken and Repaired.” Apple Books.
Right now life is requiring a constant releasing. My mom’s life, Grace’s life are like this winter. Some days you get warm sunshine and all is well. Other days are filled with mud and confusion. And then there are the days where the cold chill of the future just sort of sweeps over you. Each day requires a releasing of what was and an acceptance of what is now. My world is busy and grand in its smallness. On that note I leave you with these thoughts from Tracy’s poem, “In A Cove In The Yorks, Maine, I Dare To Hope Again.”
“And so I sit here for hours intent to hear the healing beginning of another pilgrimage, any conscious progress to inspire our next, necessary transformation.”
Excerpt From: Tracy Rittmueller. “Still Life, Broken and Repaired final.” Apple Books.
I am embracing the change whatever it may be. I know God has us in the midst of it.
If you would like to read more of Tracy’s work you can find it at TracyRitmueller.com
Notes From the Vicarage 