ON FEELING LIKE I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING

Today, in PRIME PRAYER, I felt impressed by God that I was to start looking at myself and my life through a gardener’s lens. You may remember that, just the other day I wrote a piece in which I confessed that it has been a good seven years since I had worked on the forest garden around the Vicarage. In truth, the forest garden at my home has been neglected for much longer than that.

When my family first moved to The Vicarage, back in the 1970’s, we didn’t own the little parcel of land to the left of our home. It was a wild patch of woods that came up almost to the edge of the house. Out back of the house, the yard was dominated by a giant weeping willow the top of which overshadowed the roof of the Vicarage. At night the willow’s whips would brush against my window panes giving me fits of fear. The Japansk was growing out of control all around the house and close in. Some of the bushes were as high as the second story windows.

When my father acquired the property next door in the late 1970’s his remedy was to clear cut the whole property. He removed the willow and most of the trees out back and he turned the forest next door into a field. I was so disappointed because I was already an avid birdwatcher by that time. In one day, the birds around the Vicarage, the squirrels, the chipmunks all lost their habitat.

While my father took down the trees and even stumped the property, he didn’t deal with the roots of roses, raspberries or blackberries. And that was the last time he ever really tended the property. He had good intentions. He just got busy with his business. The stockade fence he bought to surround the house lay out on the side of the Vicarage until it rotted away. The field regrew into a thorny hedge and once again into a dense forest. The animals came back again (well except for the flocks of evening grosbeaks, they seem to have left our state completely).

My father passed away and my mom who hated the outdoors as she aged just kind of let the whole house go. Then I moved back in after my divorce and the work began. It’s been a slow work, but we have made definite progress. We have now addressed most of the serious structural issues with the Vicarage itself. Now its time to look at the forest garden.

It is interesting. My first years in the Vicarage and as lead pastor of the church have been spent dealing with some rather large structural issues (roof, sills, plumbing, bathrooms, floors, siding). Likewise, our congregation’s first order of business when I became lead pastor was to replace the altar space and the ancient rug in the sanctuary. Then, we had to address the parking lot which had become largely unparkable. Finally, we had to address a plumbing issue we lovingly referred to as “the stink”.

I am no builder. The idea of me being a renovator or fixer-upper is actually laughable to everyone who knows me. I have spent these years feeling out of my depth… like I don’t know what I am doing. I have had to rely on others to tell me and direct me in what I didn’t know. I am thankful for those God has sent to help me over these years.

As I begin working on the forest garden. I realize I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what I don’t know. As I begin the next steps of leading the church I realize I don’t know those next steps. I don’t know what I don’t know. And so just like I did with the house and the church in the beginning I am turning once again to the experts. For the garden I am beginning with this book by Dani Baker. For the church I am turning to the Lord in prayer and I am asking the congregation to join me in these prayers as I approach my upcoming sabbatical which is only nine weeks away, and I am connecting with my spiritual presbyter to find a mentor through the sabbatical process.

I am confident of this. I may not know what comes next for The Vicarage, the forest garden, or the church. This is a moment of many unknowns. But I serve a God who has known the answers for this time from before there was time. I will follow Him and the ones He sends to help, just like I did before. All is well, and all manner of things are well, and all manner of things shall be well!

Let the adventure begin!

THE HARVEST IN THE FOREST

I have not tended my garden for nearly seven years. I always had good intentions…but life just kind of kept getting in the way. This year life has changed. I find myself with a bit of “extra time”, and so I have gone back to the garden. It was foresty seven years ago when I last paid attention to it. Now, after seven years of neglect it is like I have a small Mirkwood forest on my hands.

All summer long I have mowed and weed whacked. I have moved raised beds. I have pruned and even weeded the beds. I have brought in new soil and turned over old soil. I have divided plants that were crowding each other and pulled up others to give room for new growth.

Still the forest runs wild around me. And you can never tell what wildness might visit you on any given day.

This little guy stopped by for a visit one day last week along with a groundhog I startles out of the daisies. Yesterday as I met with a missionary in the prayer tent we were visited by curious squirrels and chipmunks a flock of grackles and two hummingbirds. A rabbit even stopped by to chew the clover near us.

The flower gardens are out of control. I can’t keep ahead of the deadheading. But their purpose os fulfilled as they attract the pollinators to the forest garden.

This wall of hydrangeas is chock full of bees everyday. The harvest is beginning to come in.

I picked and ate our first tomato today. I also picked our first egg plant. It was tiny but Kristine cut it up and put it in the rice with tonight’s supper. We have picked a gallon of raspberries. The blueberries are just coming in this week. I think I missed the currants, but I will check to see if there are any left tomorrow on my day off.

I am just beginning the journey of permaculture in my yard, but I sense I am going to learn many lessons along the road. The first: I don’t control the harvest. It comes when it wants. I must catch it when it comes.

THE BATTLE SINCE JANUARY

Life has really changed this year. In January my mother went into hospice.

My sister came home to walk with the rest of us through the process.

In February we almost lost mom to some kind of violent attack that left her completely bed ridden.

In April Mom passed.The week my mother died our last uncle had a heart attack and since has been dealing with very delicate health.

At the beginning of May one of my daughters was diagnosed with cancer. My other daughter was struggling with gall bladder disease.

In June my daughter had surgery to remove the tumors.

In July my other daughter had emergency surgery to remove her gall bladder and the family cat, our little flerkin, died all in the same weekend.

Also in July my sister took several financial hits due to tax changes because of her Dutch immigration status.

In the church Since January we have faced many very serious situations: severe illness, severe money issues, accidents and spiritual falling away. It has felt like a war of attrition. It feels like we are the besieged army sitting inside the castle walls and the enemy is trying to starve us out.

I realize that this is the exact opposite of how it really is. This feeling of being hemmed in and harried is not how the Scripture depicts the position of the church. We are not the besieged army at all. We are meant to be the attacking army…

And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. 18 And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock[a] I will build my church, and the gates of hell[b] shall not prevail against it. 19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed[c] in heaven.” Matthew 16:17-19

I have to admit, all these attacks on our family life have left me feeling a little destabilized. It is time to fix that. So I have reached out to my spiritual presbyter ( a spiritual director if you will) and I am getting ready to take the fight to the enemy.

I realize this is not a time for shrinking back. It is a time for pressing in. But the battle must be fought with spiritual weapons. Prayer, faith and The Word of God are how we are to fight. It is time to overcome!

CHOICES AND LIMITATIONS

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Everyday we make choices. Even “not choosing” is a choice. Everyday we face the consequences of those choices. Consequences are unavoidable. We can choose whatever we want, but we cannot avoid the outcomes our choices create.

Everyday we become more and more limited by the choices we made yesterday.When I choose something today it sets me on a pathway. If the choice I make today reinforces the decision I made yesterday then I go further down the pathway I chose and further away from my starting point. The further down the path I go the more distant I get from other paths and other choices. I cannot now easily reach the choices I decide not to make five, ten fifteen years ago.

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I remember the day I chose to shut down my father’s restaraunt and move into another area of business. I remember the day I left business altogether and came back to the ministry. I remember the day I threw over ministry to enter the disabilities field. I remember the day I gave up work in the disabilities field and moved back into ministry. I am now so far away from that first choice to leave the restaurant business that I don’t think I could get back there if I tried. I am even, now, so far removed from anything that is not ministry I am not sure I could make a choice that didn’t include ministry. I have limited myself.

BUT… I am at a point now where I am at peace with most of the limitations. I accept them like old frenemies. My limitations and my choices work together these days to make up this glorious mess I call my life. Not all my choices were good. Not all of the limitations started out helpful, but somehow they work with my destiny and my acceptance of it to drive me on towards whatever God’s plan for me is. I don’t always like the limitations or the choices that go with them, but I am comfortable with the necessity of them. And so I go on making choices prayerfully and accepting the limitations they bring peacefully until the goodness that God can make out of both of those things is revealed.

AND DISCUSS…..

WHAT’S BLOOMING AT THE VICARAGE JULY 20,2024

It has been a very stressful week. Looking at the things are growing in my yard helps me keep my head on straight.

The St. John’s Wort is blooming.

These delicate little flowers are from the lemon balm.

The green beans are also flowering

A wall of hydrangeas

Bee Balm

African Daisy

The double helix daily

Torch Lily

The beginning of the giant phlox