“I am no bird and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” Charlotte Bronte.

Last week I stopped by the local library to see what they had on offer at their used book sale.

I found several books, one of them was THE WISDOM OF ALPACAS. It’s a book of quotes about individuality. I thought the daily quotes would be useful as writing prompts for my blog here at “Notes”.

So here I sit at my dining room table on a cloudy Thursday afternoon, as the Vicarage naps (well at least Sevy and Mom are napping). I have my cup of afternoon Ginger and Yuja tea. I am sitting down to write from this first quote from the book.

Honestly sometimes I feel more like a caged bird than I do a human being with free will. My bars are not made of metal or plastic. My bars made of the flow of life and of the mindset that life is a rushing river that I can do little about.

Lately my prayers have been refocusing me around my own personal responsibility. Life may be a rushing river, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing I can do about the rushing. There are things I can choose to do each day to make my dreams come true in the midst of the rushing.

I can plan for the rushing.

I can say “no” to the rushing especially when it is someone else’s rush.

I can break my dreams down into bite sized pieces and plan to work on them a little everyday.

I find that working my plan around the prayer cycle makes the work easier somehow. I also find that if I do not make prayer the center and springboard of my plan then the plan falls apart. For me I would say prayer is the key to exercising free will in a healthy productive way so I don’t revert to my caged bird form.

WHAT IN YOUR LIFE HELPS YOU TO EXERCISE YOUR FREE WILL?

I started this series last week as we were looking forward to Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving! I would go so far as to say it is my favorite holiday.

I love everything about this holiday. I love the meal prep. I love the gathering of family. I love the parade, and I love the low key nature of the day. So often I feel like I have to work hard to keep myself in the rhythm of slow, constant, intentionality, my chosen rhythm. Normal life seems to work against it, but at Thanksgiving the world slows down and living slowly, constantly and intentionally becomes easy.

It was such a good day. We all gathered at the table. We prayed. We ate. Then we napped. Then everyone went home with leftovers. It was awesome. I did not however spend time pushing myself to write, and I think that was correct. Even our healthiest rhythms must be rested from at some point.

That is the next thing I will say about how I want life to be different three years from now. THREE YEARS FROM NOW I WANT TO BE LIVING THIS LIFE RHYTHM WITH MORE PLANNED VARIATION AND WITH FAR LESS GUILT WHEN I DO VARY THE RHYTHM

One of the things I am thinking of is the idea of building seasons of rest from my chosen life rhythm into my weekly and yearly calendar. Consistency is one thing. Monotony is another.

I am coming to understand Sabbath in a new way. SABBATH IS NOT JUST ABOUT REST. IT IS ALSO ABOUT A DEPARTURE FROM THE RHYTHM OF THE REST OF THE WEEK.

Holiday is also about a departure or maybe a differentiation from the normal rhythm of life. I have realized that giving myself a break sometimes makes me feel guilty. When I change the things I do on a day, when I don’t accomplish everything on my daily list I face the temptation of feeling like I have failed somehow. I am going to change that.

DO YOU EVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOLIDAYS AND WHAT YOU ARE NOT DOING IN THEM?

When I became the lead pastor of Cornerstone Winchendon back in April of 2021 my life changed in many ways. The work became very different. The way I work became very different. The way I lived became different.

I said hello to a lot of things:

Being the church’s representative in community and larger church events, Top level leadership, the ability to have a leading say in the development of church philosophy and direction, preaching every week, an increase in my prayer life, a lot more reading, a solid sabbath

I also said goodbye to many things:

Singing daily, playing piano daily, writing daily, pleasure reading, movies, unplanned time

It was a bigger transition than I anticipated. It took more energy than I ever considered. Please don’t get me wrong, I love…love…love this life I have. It is God’s pathway for me and the greatest adventure I have ever known.

The adventure didn’t stop me from being a little sad at the loss of daily writing and the community it had generated. It didn’t stop me from grieving when I realized I had lost my accuracy and fluidity on the keys. And yes I was sad when I lost two notes off the top of my vocal range from not vocalizing daily.

But God has been faithful and as I have worked through this transition I have been able in small ways, slow ways to go back to some of those things that I gave up when I first became the lead pastor.

I have been able to go back to worship leading once a week with The Worship Room House of Prayer right here in town. I could barely move after the first week of leading, but now five weeks in I feel pretty good after just an hour or so of rest after leading. I still can’t sing above and E with any accuracy, but you never know, I might get my groove back someday.

The writing is even coming back bit by bit. I think I have missed that most of all. I have not been able to return to daily writing yet, but little by slow I am building back the community by writing and reading at least four times a week. That is an improvement indeed.