FEELING LIKE AN ELDER

May 22, 2024May 22, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / Leave a comment

I remember the first time I felt like an adult. I was thirty-five. I was married and had three teen-agers, but it was the first time I actually felt like I had moved from childhood into adulthood. I couldn’t find a rhyme or reason for why my mindset suddenly changed back then. Honestly, until I suddenly felt like an adult I didn’t know I didn’t feel like an adult. For the most part I was acting like and adult. I was paying bills. I owned a house. I was working hard. But not until I was thirty-five did I realize I had the position of an adult… the authority of an adult. It was the first time I felt like I was ready to take on life. The first time I felt like I could take on life and life didn’t just have to happen to me.

Something is changing again. It is just as strange and unexpected this time as it was when I was thirty five. This time I am moving from adulthood into feelings of being an elder.

Maybe it is my mother’s passing, maybe it is that I am entering my fourth year as a lead pastor, maybe it’s that all my grandchildren are now talking and the last of them is potty training, maybe it’s that the children of the children I had in nursery Sunday School are now getting ready to graduate, maybe it’s a lot of things, but I am beginning to feel old. I am feeling these days like an elder.

I guess I am one. There is more snow on the chimney now than soot. I feel it in my bones. I feel it in my energy level. I feel it like a new power in my soul. There is weakness in it…and strength.

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I am feeling my age in ways I was told to expect (but refused to accept). I can’t seem to do what I once did as easily as I once did it. I feel weaker, but I also feel a new kind of strength, an assurance, a wisdom, a grace I have not had before that makes me feel that I can do just about anything. I just have to begin learning how to do it differently and maybe a little more slowly.

So how about it? What advice would you give to this new old guy?

THE TRANSITION WITH GRIEF TO THE NEXT IDENTITY

May 10, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / Leave a comment

I started this blog yesterday. It was originally called “So Here It Is Thursday…”. I began by talking about how I felt so ashamed for not reaching my goal of writing on “Notes From the Vicarage” daily since my mother’s passing. I listed my excuses and then laid out four steps I was going to take to correct the issue I have been having with writing.

It was a pretty good blog about how to prioritize writing….or really anything important.

I didn’t get to post that blog because I had a coaching session with my life coach that began just before I could hit publish. Now having had the night to sit and think on it I am glad I didn’t publish it.

I do believe there are habits I need to develop and tweak to become more effective, for sure, but I realized as I was thinking about my writing problem that this is more than a habits issue. It’s a grief issue and an issue of transition.

Life has changed for me in a big way, and I am not intentionally clocking that most days. I was Mom’s primary caregiver for the last decade of her life. Her needs factored into everything I did, including ministering and writing.I didn’t choose it. Caregiving became part of how I identified myself as a human being. It became a part of my fingerprint.

…and now I realize I need to give myself a hot minute to figure out how everything in life works without Mom to consider. Before I didn’t write daily because I was busy helping Mom and ministering. Time was not on my side. Now, as I approach the computer I wonder “What do I have to write about?”

I know it is not true, but it feels like the interesting parts of my life are over. That right there, is the power of sneaky grief. I have seen it in others and now here it is manifesting on the inside of me. It is strange. It doesn’t feel like sadness. It’s not anger. It’s not denial. It’s certainly not acceptance. It feels like….hesitancy. It’s like that moment when I was a little child meeting someone new, and all I could do was hide behind my mother’s skirt and suck my thumb. But this time the person I am meeting is…me!

A Day Of Closure, A Day of Beginning

April 27, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / Leave a comment

Today was Mom’s celebration of life. There are lots of things I can hardly believe. I can hardly believe it has been three weeks since she passed. I can hardly believe how my life and schedule have changed in those three weeks. I can hardly believe Brenda will be returning to her mission in The Netherlands next Thursday. I can hardly believe the changes I see yet to come.

Today we gathered at the family plot in Silver Lake Cemetery in Athol MA. It was a beautiful Spring day spent with family and friends. The last members of Mom’s generation were present for the celebration: Uncle Tom and Aunt Carol from her side (Mom’s last remaining sister and brother-in-law) and from my Dad’s side: his cousin Barbara and her husband Bob, Dad’s cousin Dana and Dad’s cousin Dick with Dick’s wife, Elise. I think everyone else is gone from that great generation. My sister and I along with our cousins are now the elders of the family.

My grandson, Sevy (Joseph Elon Lillie VII) took up a place next to his namesake as soon as we got to the cemetery.

My father always called himself Jr. He was really Joseph Elon Lillie IV. It was really sweet how Sevy took up this spot and just kind of stayed there through the service. At least until the bubbles started.

The service began with “Amazing Grace” and ended with a Lawrence Welk favorite of my mother’s, “Goodnight! Goodnight!” complete with the bubble machine. I am thinking my cousin Terrie was not enjoying the bubbles as much as the kids.

The church threw us a wonderful family reception after the graveside service. Here is Brenda and I with our cousin Renee at the reception.

It was a day of mourning and a day of laughter. It was day of closure and a day of beginning.

THIS NEW THRESHOLD

March 15, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / 12 Comments

One of the things I do to “sharpen the teeth” of my leadership saw, is a monthly coaching session designed to help me talk through issues I am concerned about. In these sessions I do almost all the talking. The coach is my “thinking partner”. He helps me by asking questions regarding my take on the subject matter I am discussing.

These last two months the coach has asked few questions during our sessions. I have come ready to talk…a lot…. about…thresholds.

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I realize that with the imminence of my mother’s passing, I am at one of life’s thresholds, one of those places where life changes from one thing into another.

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From past experience I know threshold experiences can be jarring, even emotionally violent. Going back I can think of four or five threshold experiences: My Conversion

My marriage

My Father’s death, My divorce

Covid…

and now…this.

In the past I was mostly unaware that I was standing at a threshold. I was certainly unaware that with a little forethought I could have turned change into a self directed chance for the life God wanted for me and deeper fulfillment. I just kind of walked through the doors and let life play out in all its glorious confusion.

Don’t get me wrong with most of my thresholds I have ended up mostly where God wanted me to be. I am living the life He desires for me now. I think some of my thresholds were unnecessarily painful… maybe even entirely unnecessary. The past is past and the only thing it is good for is as a lesson. With this threshold I feel like I am Nemo at the edge of the reef getting ready to launch out into open ocean. There are many things I know this time that I have not known before. One of the those things is that as I near this threshold I need to be more intentional than ever before about how I intend to walk on the other side of the door.

WHAT ARE SOME LESSONS YOU HAVE LEARNED FROM YOUR THRESHOLD EXPERIENCES?

THE MAKING AND KEEPING OF A SCHEDULE

February 23, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / 2 Comments

At this moment, Mom is sleeping. She ate her first solid food in six days a little while ago. a quarter of a ham salad sandwich and a few chip crumbs. Amanda and I are sitting watching Murder She Wrote (the key to creating an atmosphere that keeps Mom calm).

Mom requires a two person assist since her last bout of illness. So I spent this morning making and sending out the weekly schedule to our family to make sure we have the proper coverage every day.

We have never kept a sedate schedule at The Vicarage. While our hours, as ministers and teachers, are flexible for the most part there is still a lot to do. While we have lots of hands in this work (and I am blessed for all the help). Each set of hands comes with an added layer of complexity. Keeping Joe and Kristine’s work at their schools and Amanda’s, Brenda’s and my visitation and preaching schedules in mind means scheduling takes some consideration.

Melanie and James are coming over a few times next week to make sure Brenda is not alone while Amanda and I are out at staff meeting.

I am also working to make sure the whole family is in the know about times and schedules for the PCA’s and nurses.

I am really thankful right now for Paul Hackett who trained me in scheduling all those years ago. I am also thankful to his wife Carrie, my personal assistant at church who has kept my schedule at church organized.

I know that in the days ahead communication is going to be a key to keeping our sanity and to giving Mom the best quality of life she can have now. That is the penultimate goal at the moment. Well, I just got an alert than Megan is about to arrive to help Mom with her daily wash up. So folks I am off. Keep us in your prayers as I keep you in mine.

2024 Day 8… Keep Making Stories

January 8, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / Leave a comment

It is a universal truth that we humans come from stories and we are moving into story. All of our lives are made up of the mingling of many stories. We are books that tell of the intersection of lives and the conflicts and wonders those intersections create.

You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed. Psm. 139:16

I have noticed this common truth about the people I have worked among, that life flows from the stories we tell ourselves and each other. We live until we stop telling our stories. We grow until something comes along which causes us to stop making our stories before ourselves and others. As soon as we stop adding new chapters to the book of our lives we begin to die.

There are signs that we have stopped the authoring process. When we decide that the story is done, when we decide there is nothing more to add we stop trying to make more story and we just begin rereading the story that was. We begin to live in the past and only the past.

We can live a long time with just the past, but we can’t create new chapters from it. The future is not in the past and neither is life.

If we look back long enough even those stories we once knew so well, become lost to us and then only the stories other people tell us remain.

One of the great dangers of our society today is that so many people who should be making stories are just sitting and watching other people’s stories. It is one thing when a ninety year old stops telling their story. It is quite another when a twenty something gets so wrapped up with Facebook or Twitter or Instagram that they stop telling their own story.

I guess this post is an encouragement to people of any age. One of the great keys to life is to not let anything stop you from adding a new chapter to your story. Whatever is happening to you…around you don’t let the roadblocks stop you from adding something new to the book of your life. Keep making story. Keep living!

WHAT ARE THE ROADBLOCKS TO YOUR NEXT CHAPTER? HOW COULD YOU CHANGE THOSE ROADBLOCKS INTO THE NEXT DEVICE THAT PROPELS YOUR STORY FORWARD?

DAY 2 2024: 5 THINGS I LIKE…ABOUT ME

January 2, 2024 / joseph elon lillie / 4 Comments

I said yesterday that this year I will be working on my weight, strength and flexibility…in short my physical health. I actually started working on this a year ago. 2023 showed little progress in this area. I had a net weight loss of 3 pounds. It’s not nothing, but it’s close.

My chosen weight loss vehicle is NOOM, well at least it is the parts of NOOM that I like or find easy to accomplish. Therein lies the problem. I realize that I have not committed to the work. Part of the suggested work with NOOM is that you publicize your work, make yourself publicly accountable. SO….this is me making myself publicly accountable.

This morning I started a lesson entitled “Express Yourself Pt. 3”. It called for me to answer questions about how I felt about “Express Yourself Pt. 1”. Well, I never did Pt. 1 so I cannot do Pt. 3 (no I didn’t do Pt. 2 either but we will save that for another blog).

EXPRESS YOURSELF PT. 1 asked me to write down 5 things about myself that I really liked regardless of my size and shape. SO HERE WITHOUT COMMENT ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT HOW I LIKE MYSELF IS MY LIST OF FIVE THINGS.

I LIKE THAT I AM A PATIENT PERSON.

I LIKE THAT I AM A STUDIOUS PERSON.

I LIKE THAT I AM A PERSON OF PEACE.

I LIKE THAT I AM A PROPHETIC PERSON.

I LIKE THAT I AM A PRAYERFUL PERSON.

Ok, that wan’t as hard as I thought it would be.

IS IT HARD FOR YOU TO TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF?

Memories Of Christmas 2023

December 26, 2023December 26, 2023 / joseph elon lillie / Leave a comment

Christmas 2023 created so many wonderful memories for me. It was a season of old traditions and new experiences blended together. We started the Christmas celebration with Christmas Eve service and communion followed by a quiet family dinner. We had shrimp with cocktail sauce and roast beef pinwheels, Eggnog and Christmas cookies, and chips with salsa and cream cheese dip as usual. But this year we added lumpia to the mix.

It was Sevy and Kristine’s first American Christmas so we blended American tradition with Philippine tradition.

Christmas Day we started the day with stuffed French toast and bacon.

For lunch I made lasagna, cole slaw and buttermilk biscuits. Kristine made more lumpia….soo good!

maja blanca….soooo good!

and lechon….sooooooooooo good!

The day was ordered around keeping Sevy on track with the Christmas plans. We knew it was time to move onto the next tradition when Sevy started climbing the walls.

Opening presents with four generations was one of yesterday’s great blessings. It is not every family that has the privilege to have four generations living under one roof.

The Christmas season has come and gone and now we are rushing headlong into the New Year. My word for 2024 is “Prepare”. I believe next year will be a year of great upheaval and change. Holding on to our hope, peace, joy and love is going to need that preparation.