This post was started over a week ago when I was still in Florida. Coming back to Massachusetts and a rather unusual work schedule has made it hard to write.
One of the things I was most concerned with when I went to Florida for National Youth Convention/ Fine Arts was that I would lose the rhythm of the sacred office I practice. Honestly, I did not run into any trouble keeping the office until I came back. I expected coming back would be a piece of cake. I thought I would simply resume my old schedule which was pretty well established before I left. That did not happen. I will have to meditate on that and write more about it in the future.
For now, I am just looking back with fondness on those days in Florida in which keeping my sacred rhythm was surprisingly easy. I finished THE HIDING PLACE, by Corrie TenBoom and started this book by Joseph Castleberry on Wednesday and Thursday.
Amanda and I had an opportunity for an early lunch on Wednesday while Sadie and James went to the lazy river at our resort. We had fun taking pictures with Amanda scowling all week long. I will post this photo series we entitled “MURDERY ‘MANDA” at a later date. It started because I got a candid shot of her waiting in a long registration line at Fine Arts festival at the beginning of the week, and so we decided to make a series out of it.
Here is Sadie doing her best impression of Pennywise. Of course she had no idea who Pennywise was, this is just her looking “friendly”.
On Thursday we took the kids to Universal Studios.
While they road rides and shopped.I took some time to cool off in a shaded area of a cafe and pray the twelve o’clock prayer.
Back in the fall I made a commitment I didn’t keep. That was to get back to my writing projects here at the Vicarage. There was a time before I became what I am now that I considered being a professional writer. I gave up working on that part of me.
The other day I was reading an artist’s blog and she was talking about how she had been out of the art scene for a while because of… life. The blog was all about how she had begun reconnecting with her talent in small ways simply by drawing or painting some small object a few times a week.
I thought, “This is what I am supposed to be doing, but I am not.”
I had to ask myself why. I have concluded that it is because I am not prioritizing even a few brief minutes to the work. I tell myself I am too tired. It’s not important enough to get into my schedule. I have too many other things to do and cannot give myself the time to even exercise my mind in this way.
In the end I realize these are all excuses. I am not too tired. I am letting laziness rule me. This work is important. It was once important enough that I considered making it an income stream. I am learning that the more I exercise my mind with healthy hobbies the more productive I become at the work of my calling, so there is no good reason not to begin exercising my writing muscles again.
These are just exercises in thinking and putting thoughts to keyboard; So last night I took a few minutes and began jotting down some words, flow of thought. The piece is below and it is about me and my father.
I am sitting at the dining table eating left over Chinese food, thinking about the year past and the year ahead.
2024 was a hard year. I don’t think I have really stopped to meditate on just how hard it was. I certainly haven’t allowed myself to feel the hardness. It was a year of death and a year of sickness for our family. It was a year that brought earth shaking change to our lives, identities and ministries. We are not the same people we were at the end of 2023.
Last night we celebrated the New Year as a family at The Vicarage.
New Year’s Eve was our gift exchange this year. I got designer coffee! My son Joe got tools. The kids got play dough and toys. The ladies got winter clothing. James got a book he had been wanting to read. It was a good night topped off by our traditional meal…. Chinese food
It was also a game night.
To say I am not a good game player is an understatement, but other members of the family are. It was a quiet and comforting way to spend the last day of this very difficult year.
Today I am catching up on chores, and putting Christmas away. As I write this note between loads of laundry I am thinking about what the Lord has already told us about 2025.
My personal words for the year are: PRACTICE THE PRESENCE…
Here are some other things we have learned about 2025 from the last few months of 2024.
Amanda has heard- Focus and Watch. 1 Peter 5:8 State alert for your great enemy the Devil stalks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. Focus on the right thing not similar distractions because there will be good things and God things. See the potential particularly in our children. Don’t overlook the small things in life or neglect the potential of small things. Watch is the word, Gregorio. Its definition is- Keeping your eyes on the truth.
James has heard- We are children of THE KING. The time has come to act like it. We are an already not yet people. We have the victory but we now have to posses this in the Spirit. We need to use our spiritual authority.
Kristine has heard-Dwell! Dwell in the presence of the Lord and the presence of the Holy Spirit. Claim the victory. Psalm 139 teaches us that God is all knowing.He knows every detail of our lives and even when we don’t see it, He is working in our lives. We need to remember that He knows the end of our stories and the progress of the journey.
Yesterday my sister and I were on Messenger talking and this prophetic word came –
And this is what the Lord says, open your eyes, I am bringing you into a spacious place. This is the culmination of over a half a century of My work. I have hidden this from the enemy as I have hidden this from you, but this is about neither of you and both of you. The enemy can see the size and shape of this thing, but even he does not know what it is any more than you know what it is. you were chosen for this. your family was chosen for this. You each have your part to play. I have prepared you. I have called you by name. Now prepare yourselves. Gird yourselves and answer me like a human, where were you when I laid the foundations of the storehouses of the snow?
Birthdays have never effected me much. Mostly they were just numbers in a series. 16 didn’t feel very different from 15 other than the fact the State recognized I was old enough to start driving. Honestly, that didn’t excite me much. 18 was the same as 17 except for the whole registering for the selective service thing. 21 passed me by without even a tip of the hat. I was married and in Bible college. The “BIG 21”. celebrations so many people make of that birthday never even crossed my mind.
I do remember 35, though. It was a tough birthday. I wasn’t prepared for it. I thought it would just pass me by like every other birthday, but it didn’t .
I can only speculate what changed, but when I turned 35 the weight of what I at first called “adulthood” suddenly fell on my shoulders, and that weight was HEAVY. In fact it was crushing.
By 2002 I had 3 kids ages 13, 12 and 11. I had been married for 15 years. I had owned two homes and been through three careers, finally settling on the work of ministry. It’s not like I was suddenly introduced to adulthood that year. I had been adulting as far as I understood it for over a decade. But honestly….
Maybe, it was that, in 2002, for the first time I felt a sense of permanence. Maybe, it was at 35 that I first understood my course was set and I had passed the point of no return.
Maybe, it was at this point I understood that I was going to follow the call of ministry no matter where it led me.
Maybe, for the first time I was clear on the fact that the calling was not about “professional ministry”, but about a walk of faith with God that would cause me too fulfill an office of the church no matter what my job ended up being.
Maybe, it was in this year that I began to fully realize I was answering destiny’s call.
Maybe that was what felt like a weight.
Maybe it wasn’t the weight of “adulthood” I felt at 35, but the sudden realization I had been caught in the full influence of destiny’s rip tide.
There are a lot of maybes as I look back. I am certain that whatever hit me at the age of 35 almost drowned me…. could have drowned me with all that it set in motion….maybe even should have drowned me….BUT GOD.
35 was an inflection point for me.
2002 was not the year of actual change, but as I look back it was the year when all the changes that have played out since became certain. I felt it back then. I just did not understand what it was I was feeling.
I only mention all this because here I am having just passed a birthday…my 57th birthday and I am feeling 35 again…not in a “I am returning to my youthful self” way…but in a “Here I go again” way.
I sense that the tide of destiny is about to take over again. I sense that this time it may be more than just me standing at an inflection point. I sense we not just me are at an outpouring and upsurging all at once of ….BUT GOD.
The last two weeks have been my first attempt at living the new rhythm of life I prayed into during sabbatical. It has also been two weeks of catching back up with my congregation. I have been doing a lot of visitation. Also, I have begun the next tour of our DLT (Doing life together) groups to begin the journey of discovering God’s word for our congregation in 2025.
HERE IS ANOTHER WORD I GOT FROM THE GROUP I WAS WITH LAST NIGHT, THE DLT BOOK CLUB
Get rid of the old, that which does not look good on your spirit anymore and don’t be afraid to put on the new thing. Clean out the closet of your life to make room for what is coming.
Today I returned to leadership training. This is an opportunity for the leadership (deacons, staff, DLT group leaders, and new and aspiring leaders) to come together to sharpen the saw.
Today’s discussion was around leadership style. We are using the Assessme.org program to help our leaders learn their giftings and leadership styles. We had an incredible conversation about what it means to work as a team and about how God is the one who chooses the team of people….the family of people….the platoon of people that is each church.
It was a great morning followed by the moving of furniture to my son’s house. Today we moved a couple of side tables and a dresser. My son just left with several items including my grandson’s bed frame. It is almost complete!
HOW DOES YOUR CHURCH OR CHARITABLE ORGANIZATION DO LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT?
My son and daughter-in-law signed on a new condo yesterday. They got the keys to their new home today. That’s where they are right now, beginning the cleaning process before the big move in. Amanda is at the church preparing youth group. It is quiet.
I have to admit, though, as I sit in this, there is a part of me that has become very unfamiliar with the silence, at least during this part of the day. It feels like there should be pots banging in the kitchen. The smell of Philippine spices should be wafting up into my nose making my mouth water. The TV should be blaring “Mickey Mouse Club House”. My son should be snoring in my recliner after a long day’s work at the middle school. I feel like I should be contending with several distractions to my concentration as I write this . Not having all that is kind of a…. distraction.
I know that what I am feeling is just the shifting feeling of another change coming in a season of changes. When Joe, Kristine and Sevii moved in, Mom was still alive. Brenda was home for a big part of their time here with me. The house was bustling. Now Mom is gone, Brenda is back in The Netherlands and by next week it will just be me and Amanda in the house. I think the quiet is going to be a truly new atmosphere and I know I will enjoy it….once I get used to it.
That said, who knows what tomorrow brings? I am learning to hold the future loosely and that is another weirdly unexpected thing for me. But we can talk more about that another day.
HAS ANYTHING WEIRDLY UNEXPECTED HAPPENED TO YOU LATELY?
Today, in PRIME PRAYER, I felt impressed by God that I was to start looking at myself and my life through a gardener’s lens. You may remember that, just the other day I wrote a piece in which I confessed that it has been a good seven years since I had worked on the forest garden around the Vicarage. In truth, the forest garden at my home has been neglected for much longer than that.
When my family first moved to The Vicarage, back in the 1970’s, we didn’t own the little parcel of land to the left of our home. It was a wild patch of woods that came up almost to the edge of the house. Out back of the house, the yard was dominated by a giant weeping willow the top of which overshadowed the roof of the Vicarage. At night the willow’s whips would brush against my window panes giving me fits of fear. The Japansk was growing out of control all around the house and close in. Some of the bushes were as high as the second story windows.
When my father acquired the property next door in the late 1970’s his remedy was to clear cut the whole property. He removed the willow and most of the trees out back and he turned the forest next door into a field. I was so disappointed because I was already an avid birdwatcher by that time. In one day, the birds around the Vicarage, the squirrels, the chipmunks all lost their habitat.
While my father took down the trees and even stumped the property, he didn’t deal with the roots of roses, raspberries or blackberries. And that was the last time he ever really tended the property. He had good intentions. He just got busy with his business. The stockade fence he bought to surround the house lay out on the side of the Vicarage until it rotted away. The field regrew into a thorny hedge and once again into a dense forest. The animals came back again (well except for the flocks of evening grosbeaks, they seem to have left our state completely).
My father passed away and my mom who hated the outdoors as she aged just kind of let the whole house go. Then I moved back in after my divorce and the work began. It’s been a slow work, but we have made definite progress. We have now addressed most of the serious structural issues with the Vicarage itself. Now its time to look at the forest garden.
It is interesting. My first years in the Vicarage and as lead pastor of the church have been spent dealing with some rather large structural issues (roof, sills, plumbing, bathrooms, floors, siding). Likewise, our congregation’s first order of business when I became lead pastor was to replace the altar space and the ancient rug in the sanctuary. Then, we had to address the parking lot which had become largely unparkable. Finally, we had to address a plumbing issue we lovingly referred to as “the stink”.
I am no builder. The idea of me being a renovator or fixer-upper is actually laughable to everyone who knows me. I have spent these years feeling out of my depth… like I don’t know what I am doing. I have had to rely on others to tell me and direct me in what I didn’t know. I am thankful for those God has sent to help me over these years.
As I begin working on the forest garden. I realize I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what I don’t know. As I begin the next steps of leading the church I realize I don’t know those next steps. I don’t know what I don’t know. And so just like I did with the house and the church in the beginning I am turning once again to the experts. For the garden I am beginning with this book by Dani Baker. For the church I am turning to the Lord in prayer and I am asking the congregation to join me in these prayers as I approach my upcoming sabbatical which is only nine weeks away, and I am connecting with my spiritual presbyter to find a mentor through the sabbatical process.
I am confident of this. I may not know what comes next for The Vicarage, the forest garden, or the church. This is a moment of many unknowns. But I serve a God who has known the answers for this time from before there was time. I will follow Him and the ones He sends to help, just like I did before. All is well, and all manner of things are well, and all manner of things shall be well!
Everyday we make choices. Even “not choosing” is a choice. Everyday we face the consequences of those choices. Consequences are unavoidable. We can choose whatever we want, but we cannot avoid the outcomes our choices create.
Everyday we become more and more limited by the choices we made yesterday.When I choose something today it sets me on a pathway. If the choice I make today reinforces the decision I made yesterday then I go further down the pathway I chose and further away from my starting point. The further down the path I go the more distant I get from other paths and other choices. I cannot now easily reach the choices I decide not to make five, ten fifteen years ago.
I remember the day I chose to shut down my father’s restaraunt and move into another area of business. I remember the day I left business altogether and came back to the ministry. I remember the day I threw over ministry to enter the disabilities field. I remember the day I gave up work in the disabilities field and moved back into ministry. I am now so far away from that first choice to leave the restaurant business that I don’t think I could get back there if I tried. I am even, now, so far removed from anything that is not ministry I am not sure I could make a choice that didn’t include ministry. I have limited myself.
BUT… I am at a point now where I am at peace with most of the limitations. I accept them like old frenemies. My limitations and my choices work together these days to make up this glorious mess I call my life. Not all my choices were good. Not all of the limitations started out helpful, but somehow they work with my destiny and my acceptance of it to drive me on towards whatever God’s plan for me is. I don’t always like the limitations or the choices that go with them, but I am comfortable with the necessity of them. And so I go on making choices prayerfully and accepting the limitations they bring peacefully until the goodness that God can make out of both of those things is revealed.
I have a term for the life of ministry. I call it “life in the fishbowl.”
This life has many benefits: It offers flexible hours; It is never boring; It helps me keep on top of the spiritual disciplines; It has the potential to create healthy and long lasting friendships based around more than just work; There is an experience of the supernatural and transcendent that no other vocation offers; There is a level of respect and admiration that is gained by serving a community out of this lifestyle.
But there is a cost as well. One of those costs is “life in the fishbowl.” The life I live I live largely in the public eye. Much of who I am and what I and my family do is up for public inspection and comment. It is a fact that is true for every person whose vocation is in the public arena: entertainment personalities, political figures and clergy.
I have lived in the fishbowl for such a long time now that many times I don’t even pay attention to what people are watching. And like most fish in fishbowls I have found my places to go when I need to be “by myself”. I know how to create boundary space: Send calls to voicemail, stay away from e-mail or Messenger, hide in the Vicarage or in my room.
Still sometimes living in the fishbowl it is hard to know when I should be going to my private space or when I should be letting people see me in all my glorious triumph and ruination. I struggle sometimes with how much of my victory to share and even more how much of my pain to share. I don’t think I am alone in that struggle. I just think in my position it takes more work to hide both triumph and trouble so perhaps for me it is a more intentional hiding, when I do hide.
My answers below and then you can click the link above to see how all the other contributors answered.
What do you miss most, if anything, about your school days? I miss the innocence and hopefulness of those days. I feel like we have lost something over the decades since my school days. Maybe it is just me that has lost it, but life seemed a lot less complicated and scary back then.
Did your school have its own sports field or swimming pool? We had neither of those things. I can remember watching football games from the borrowed field of the local private school and swim team practiced at what is now the local YMCA public swimming pool.
What was your favourite day on the school week? I liked school on the whole. I found learning an exciting pass time. But I think my favorite day was Friday because it was pizza and peanut butter sandwich for school lunch.
Did you have one teacher for a variety of subjects, or separate teachers for each? In elementary school (primary?) we had one teacher for everything, but once we reached Jr. High and High school (secondary school for those of you across the pond?) we had different teachers for every subject.
GRATITUDE: I have had lots of time to play in my little forest garden this week.
Notes From the Vicarage 