Today would normally be the day on which I posted my Festival of Spring 2024 post, but this has not been a normal week, or maybe it is just the new normal.

Since Mom has passed we have all been relearning how to live life. Many of the folks in church told me that care-giving to the end of life, left the care-giver with a sense of identity loss, when all was said and done. I thought I believed them when they said it. I thought I knew what they meant. I also thought I had bolstered myself against that very thing by being “pastor”. I realize now, that it did not work as well as I had hoped. Maybe it worked as best as it could. Maybe like the rest of the grief process, coming to our new identities, apart from being Mom’s caregiver, is just going to take time and be a several step journey.

All that to say, I am not doing my Festival of Spring Post today. I will probably do that tomorrow. Today I will just blather on a bit about our lost identity.

In the last weeks we have had to relearn that someone does not always have to be home. The whole family can go out together whenever we want because no one has to sit with Mom. It actually took us about three days to figure that out and it still feels strange to do it, almost like a betrayal. It feels even stranger to come home to an empty house.

Learning silence is another part of this new identity. I had not realized it until I cancelled cable and shut the television off but the TV has been on for the better part of a decade from 7 AM until 10 PM everyday. Mom liked the noise and never wanted it off. We got used to eating our meals to the sound of “Murder She Wrote” or “Perry Mason”. The first time we gathered around the table for dinner, and the television was not on, there was this deep sense of peace and breath and a weird finality that felt at odds with the table conversation. I guess I thought I would be struggling with who I was or who I was going to become in this new phase of life. It’s not really that at all. I have plenty to do and I don’t really feel like I am a whole new person. Rather I am struggling with how to be in the world. I feel like I have a pretty good grip on who I am. It is the new world of silence and emptiness that feels alien to me.