ON FEELING LIKE I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING

Today, in PRIME PRAYER, I felt impressed by God that I was to start looking at myself and my life through a gardener’s lens. You may remember that, just the other day I wrote a piece in which I confessed that it has been a good seven years since I had worked on the forest garden around the Vicarage. In truth, the forest garden at my home has been neglected for much longer than that.

When my family first moved to The Vicarage, back in the 1970’s, we didn’t own the little parcel of land to the left of our home. It was a wild patch of woods that came up almost to the edge of the house. Out back of the house, the yard was dominated by a giant weeping willow the top of which overshadowed the roof of the Vicarage. At night the willow’s whips would brush against my window panes giving me fits of fear. The Japansk was growing out of control all around the house and close in. Some of the bushes were as high as the second story windows.

When my father acquired the property next door in the late 1970’s his remedy was to clear cut the whole property. He removed the willow and most of the trees out back and he turned the forest next door into a field. I was so disappointed because I was already an avid birdwatcher by that time. In one day, the birds around the Vicarage, the squirrels, the chipmunks all lost their habitat.

While my father took down the trees and even stumped the property, he didn’t deal with the roots of roses, raspberries or blackberries. And that was the last time he ever really tended the property. He had good intentions. He just got busy with his business. The stockade fence he bought to surround the house lay out on the side of the Vicarage until it rotted away. The field regrew into a thorny hedge and once again into a dense forest. The animals came back again (well except for the flocks of evening grosbeaks, they seem to have left our state completely).

My father passed away and my mom who hated the outdoors as she aged just kind of let the whole house go. Then I moved back in after my divorce and the work began. It’s been a slow work, but we have made definite progress. We have now addressed most of the serious structural issues with the Vicarage itself. Now its time to look at the forest garden.

It is interesting. My first years in the Vicarage and as lead pastor of the church have been spent dealing with some rather large structural issues (roof, sills, plumbing, bathrooms, floors, siding). Likewise, our congregation’s first order of business when I became lead pastor was to replace the altar space and the ancient rug in the sanctuary. Then, we had to address the parking lot which had become largely unparkable. Finally, we had to address a plumbing issue we lovingly referred to as “the stink”.

I am no builder. The idea of me being a renovator or fixer-upper is actually laughable to everyone who knows me. I have spent these years feeling out of my depth… like I don’t know what I am doing. I have had to rely on others to tell me and direct me in what I didn’t know. I am thankful for those God has sent to help me over these years.

As I begin working on the forest garden. I realize I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what I don’t know. As I begin the next steps of leading the church I realize I don’t know those next steps. I don’t know what I don’t know. And so just like I did with the house and the church in the beginning I am turning once again to the experts. For the garden I am beginning with this book by Dani Baker. For the church I am turning to the Lord in prayer and I am asking the congregation to join me in these prayers as I approach my upcoming sabbatical which is only nine weeks away, and I am connecting with my spiritual presbyter to find a mentor through the sabbatical process.

I am confident of this. I may not know what comes next for The Vicarage, the forest garden, or the church. This is a moment of many unknowns. But I serve a God who has known the answers for this time from before there was time. I will follow Him and the ones He sends to help, just like I did before. All is well, and all manner of things are well, and all manner of things shall be well!

Let the adventure begin!

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